I thought long and hard about giving up on the Lions and football all together this year. Maybe I'd do something more satisfying--like driving nails into my own head. But alas, the nail gun was too expensive and now I'm back to give the world more of my interpretations and, more importantly, more pics of really hot cheerleaders.
Items to watch this year include the hold out of #2 overall pick, The Kong. With Sam Bradford (#1 overall) and Gerald McCoy (#3 overall) both signed it seems like The Kong's signing should be imminent, but The Kong's representation has a long history of ruining their players careers by producing long hold outs over impossible demands. It is widely believed that Eugene Parker, The Kong's agent, has requested eighty bazillion dollars paid exclusively in gold Krugerrand to be deposited smartly on the moon.
This is a most depressing development for the laymen that live in Lionland, because The Kong stated on record that he would not be a hold out, that he was "not into all the drama." And yet, while the rest of the Honolulu blue are sweating and beating what little gray matter they have left into so much more useless goo, The Kong sits and waits.
According to several reports the issue that is holding up this deal is guaranteed money. Sam Bradford signed for some ludicrous amount of cash, reported as something between 72 and 86 million bajillion dollars, what really matters in any NFL contract is what is "guaranteed." The difference between the NFL and major league baseball is all about what is guaranteed. If The Kong signs his contract, plays two games, and then is run over by a train, hit by a bus, and miraculously obiliterated by a random piece of falling space debris and can never play again....the only money he or his family will ever have gotten is the "guaranteed" signing bonus. All money for subsequent years would be forfeit. (This is what the collective bargaining agreement and next years impending strike is going to be all about.)
So Bradford (#1) got $50 million guaranteed. McCoy (#3) got $35 million guaranteed. So The Kong (#2) is going to want a number between 35 and 50 million. That makes sense, right? The problem lies in that last year's #1, Detroit's very own The Franchize, received $41.7 million. Now, The Kong's people want to make sure that they get their player more than that 41.7. Now, if the Lions could stop picking in the top three of the draft, this problem would go away, but they are who they are so...
It goes against the logic of football to pay The Franchize quarterback less than a defensive tackle. The quarterback is supposedly the most important position in sports and thereby the highest paid.
The fact that any of these players are getting any of this GDP type cash without ever playing a down in the NFL has always been completely absurd and is another issue that will be ranted and raved about during next year's impending lockout.
Item #2 to watch this year is the defensive secondary. Other than Louis Delmas, I'm pretty sure the Lions have nothing but three howler monkeys trying to defend against the pass. They traded for Chris Houston, but one must be leery of what you get for a sixth round pick. There's always a reason an NFL team is excessively willing to part ways with young talent. Amari Spievey was drafted in the third round, hopefully as a nickel corner but could possibly break the starting lineup. Dre Bly was brought back....he's 98 years old. That says how bad it really is back there.
Thirdly, I'm very excited to see the guy that Jim Schwartz watches instead of porn...Jahvid Best. Hopefully, he can bring back some memories of guys who can actually play the position. It seems so long now.
I will also be bringing back my continued pleas for the Lions to do the right thing and RUN ON 3RD and 3 or LESS. It's the right thing to do.
Oh, and always more cheerleaders.
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