Items of note for Sunday and beyond...

The Kansas Kid vs The Dark Lord

Let me paint a picture for you....

In a field of golden wheat, only a scant week or so from harvest time, a lazy wind wanders over the wheat stalks rolling like amber waves of...something. I'm not sure what. I think I've heard something like that somewhere before.

Anyway, in that field of rolling grain stands a man. Not an old man with too many years of riding the combine, nor a young man with stars in his eyes thinking about how some day he's going to shake the dirt of this town off his feet and see the world!

Nope, this guy standing in the Kansas wheat field, twirling a football in one hand as he looks off to the west, is roughly thirty years old. He's still got a few years left to realize his dream of becoming a Superbowl winning quarterback. But truthfully, he knows that his time is running out.

He's thrown a million footballs through hanging tires in his lifetime...

But right now, he just needs a job.

This journeyman didn't even start out with dreams of playing the NFL cathedrals on Sunday afternoons. He grew up as a basketball star, playing for his dad the coach. But he did play high school football. And he used that to play a little at the local junior college and he played well enough there that he got a full ride scholarship to an ACC school (Maryland).

He went undrafted though. He hadn't put up particularly brilliant numbers, but a guy who worked for the Minnesota Vikings (Scot Linehan) thought maybe he'd just give the guy a try out...let him throw the ball around the Metrodome for fun for a few days...send him home with a smile, some great stories, and maybe, if he's lucky, a signed jersey.

But that coach saw a little something in the Kansas basketball player and the Maryland QB managed to stick it out for a few years on the bottom of the Vikings roster.

But then there was a coaching change in Minnesota and the kid didn't have any kind of connections with the new staff...he was out on the road again.

This time he ended up in San Francisco with the hope of backing up a #1 overall pick in Alex Smith. A funny thing happened however, Smith never really played that well and the Kansas Kid had to step in and do mop up duties. He even managed to start a few games over the highly touted franchise quarterback.

A quarterback controversy bubbled up in the first year and then raged for another two years before the organization decided they were going to stop wasting the bajillions of dollars they'd given to Alex Smith and handed the starting job over to "star quarterback."

The Kansas Kid was out on the street again, but now he's thirty years old and the life of NFL quarterbacks after thirty is typically very, very short --unless you're the devil who wears the number 4.

But that old coach, the one who saw something in the Kansas Kid those so many years ago had gotten a new gig with this lowlife organization that hadn't won in 50 years....Linehan talked the Lions into trading a sixth round pick for the guy the forty-niners were going to toss on the trash heap.

And so, the Kansas Kid is once again backing up a #1 overall pick, but this time he's wiser. He's seen the writing on the wall and he's come to terms with it. He realizes now that even if he never is the MVP of the SuperBowl...backup NFL QB is a damn good paying job and he's more than happy to have it.

So he took up his clipboard and put those million passes through the hanging tire in the back of his mind.

But last week, The Franchize was disassembled by a fire breathing defensive end named Julius Peppers. That #1 overall pick may be a few weeks away from taking another snap. So the Kansas Kid puts down the clipboard, strings up the shoulder pads and picks up the old scratched and dented helmet.

It's time to play again for the Kansas Kid...

Meanwhile...

The Philadelphia Eagles team plane taxis the runway as the malevolent and dark one, Vick, leans back in his first class seat. Banished once already from the NFL for killing defenseless dogs in a sick and twisted form of sadist sport, Micheal Vick is getting a second chance at life.

He was supposed to be backing up the new "future of Philadelphia" in Kevin Kolb, but the new guy was pounded relentlessly against Green Bay the week before. So Vick gets a chance to take the reigns...

Sporting a darkened visor, black and foul as his soul, Vick will come into Ford Field and do battle against the dregs of the NFL, the Lions.

He claims to seek redemption. He claims that he has paid for his foulest sins, but there is no bleach strong enough to white wash the depths of evil from the man's soul.

Good vs Evil

I could break this game down by positions and talent levels, schemes versus schemes...but this battle, this legendary contest, is not about 34 defenses or 43 defenses, spread offenses or two tight end sets...this is return of the Kansas Kid, just looking for another chance at glory, against the Dark Lord of Evil...

Go Lions!!!! They're probably going to get killed...

Why the Eagles will pluck out the Lions' eyes...

The Return of Mornhinweg!

The Lions will face another demon from their past this Sunday when Marty Mornhinweg returns to Ford Field as the Offensive Coordinator/Assistant Head Coach of the Philadelphia Eagles.

Now the Detroit Lions have never had a head coach leave Detroit to find gainful employment as the head of another organization. This is fact. Sure, Dick Jauron managed, but he was only held the title of interim head coach.

It is very likely that with the mountain of evidence that has been accrued to show how incredibly inept and borderline mentally retarded Matt Millen was during his reign as mayor of Lionsland, that Mornhinweg may break the Lions' Coaching Curse.

Even with the castoffs and renegade losers that Millen decided to keep, Marty was able to produce a decent offense--even while being saddled with Joey Blue Skies. He is in no way associated with 0-16, although his record doesn't actually look a whole lot better.

Since leaving the padded cells of Ford Field and Allen Park, Marty has resided over the offense in Philadelphia, under the employment of perennial playoff contending coach Andy Reid. Now, perhaps his job was made thousands of times easier by being allowed to work with potential Hall of Fame quarterback Donavon McNabb, but his offenses and his playoff results are big, big bonuses on his resume and the rebuilding of his reputation.

Now that Reid has shipped McNabb off to Washington and handed the offense over to Kevin Kolb, if Marty is again successful, this could prove the last nail in the huge billboard to the NFL that reads "It was Millen's fault! Marty can coach!" I mean, just look at the two Marty pictures...he looks so much cooler now with the goatee. You know that has to count for something. It makes him look so much smarter, hipper--dare I say, eviler...

Resurrecting the Anti-Christ of Micheal Vick's career won't hurt him in the eyes of other NFL owners either.

Kevin Kolb is hurt and will most likely not play.

Eagles QB Kevin Kolb was clubbed like a baby seal by the Green Bay Packers last Sunday and is not approved to practice until at least Friday of this week. It's not often a team will allow a player to play in the game on Sunday after missing pretty much every practice, especially when the backup quarterback practically walked on water in your absence.

Vick managed to bring the Eagles back from a 20-3 deficit to a very exciting finish -- losing 27-20. He three for 176 yards and ran for more than another 100. He is a dynamic force.

The kind of force that the Lions have shown for years that they really have no inkling of how to stop. This is the main reason the Lions will crap the bed on Sunday and lose again.

Stafford's Bone Mites...

There is still no definitive word out of Allen Park about when the Franchize will once again grace the field for the Honolulu Blue. Not that the offense looked a whole lot better with him in there before Shaun Hill was forced into action. But still, the offense looked awful all day and even though the Lions went Tight End crazy this year, they are still pushing out a primarily three wide attack and still can't run the ball.

That whole drafting TE Brandon Pettigrew over LT Micheal Oher lookes worse and worse every day.

The Lions are doomed.

Stafford has Bone Mites and radioactive syphilis..

The true story may never come out in the free press. These are not "items of interest" that are fit to be consumed by the general public. A high brow ultra conservative establishment like the medical doctors of NFL organizations will not send out a world wide panic in regards to the pathologically contagious dilemma of "Bone Mites."

Right now, word on the street is that Matthew Stafford, The Franchize, could miss anywhere from two weeks to an entire geological epoch of time with what is being called a "Possible Second Degree Shoulder Separation."

In his Monday press conference, Jim Schwartz talked about his quarterback. "He's still dealing with a lot of soreness, he's still dealing with a lot of swelling -- very similar to what occurred to him last year. It's nothing that you can really put a timetable on. You can't say it's one week, two weeks, three weeks or 12 weeks, whatever it is.''

In other words, nobody really knows -- except me, of course. I know it's Bone Mites.

Bone Mites are a very, very dangerous and completely fictitious affliction which turns the bone marrow into a strange amalgamation of cottage cheese and strawberry jelly. Furthermore it turns the bones normal calcium to the consistency of rock candy.

Very contagious, especially in an NFL lockerroom where it usually is seen as a rash of very similar injuries. I was initially made aware of the possibility in the Lions organization after there seemed to be a rash of Groin Gremlins during training camp and OTA's.

Stafford may never be able to play again. He may never be able to lift his arm above the height of his elbow...he may also get leprosy--it's been known to happen.

The fact that both he and Aaron Berry contracted shoulder separations within a few minutes of each other is another sure fire indication of a major Bone Mite infiltration in the Lions lockerroom.

Don't even get me started on how, Mr. Stafford ended up with the radioactive syphilis. It's a strange world here in modern times.

I'm sorry, but I am in no way surprised...

I have very little interest in the New York Jets and their overly boisterous and egomaniacal coach, Rex Ryan. Nor do I have anything but contempt and disdain for the young Sanchize who continously tries to shoulder his way into the the talk of who was the best quarterback in last year's draft--which, if you saw last night's game, that should be pretty much all cleared up now.

What I do find interesting about the Jets though is Inez Sainz. The Mexican reporter from the Azteca network has made claims that the New York Jets made multiple lude comments and remarks to her from across the field as she covered several practices during practice last week. She states that the Jets even went so far as to move some of their drills in ways to ensure that players would be able to "bump" into her on the sidelines.

I tell you this, not because I am "outraged" that a bunch of millionaire, roid-raged athletes could be so Ape-like in their treatment of Ms. Sainz...but because I felt I had to show this picture.

Hey, I know what my readers want.

The "Process" is over now...

It doesn't matter in any way shape or form whether Megatron made the catch or not -- even though we all know he did. The plain and simple fact is, no matter how long we grumble and moan, the dorks over at the NFL offices are not giving us the win over Chicago. It is now time to start the long, ugly fear in figuring out how in the hell we are going to stop the dog killing bastard Micheal Vick this weekend.

Kevin Kolb, who played like complete horse crap last weekend before mercifully being bludgeoned into a concussion, will not practice until at least Friday, which means the ever mobile, ever dangerous, ever loathsome Vick will be taking snaps on Sunday at Ford Field.