Lions march into the Devil's Den this Sunday

The shrill horn has sounded and the call echoes heavy in the air as the Lions regroup from another loss and prepare to march into the Devil's Den--Minnesota.

The ancient evil has hung around the Lions neck like a dead albatross for lo too many years.

And yet here they are again, readying themselves to do battle with the Devil that wears #4 for the umpteenth billionth time -- for time long forgotten.

Pay no attention to the fact that his horde of Demon Norseman are currently sporting a record no better than the Lions (0-2). It doesn't matter, this isn't a game about football anymore when the Lions face the Devil. No this is an epic battle for the very souls of every man that wears the Honolulu Blue.

There are only two possible outcomes this Sunday for anybody strapping on the Lions colors--Victory or Eternal Damnation.

And Eternal Damnation is nothing to scoff at. It's really, really bad news. Imagine your entire body being boiled away by scalding oil for all of eternity or worse yet, being forced to watch completely helpless as Sterling Sharpe runs away, completely uncovered for the go ahead touchdown pass -- again and again until your brain explodes...

Brett Favre has owned the Lions his entire career. This may be his last season (Ha! I've heard that horrible lie before.) Will the Lions allow him to own them forever?

It is time for the Mighty Kong to slay that venomous beast. To spear him and chew out his heart.

End the nightmare!

Where is Megatron?

The object of every defensive coordinator is to identify the opponents best weapon and then take that weapon away from them. This is what has happened to Calvin Johnson.

Opponents are double and tripling Calvin Johnson all the time. So the Lions do the age old sin...it makes me cringe every time I hear the phrase...they are "taking what the defense gives them."

Every Lions coach throughout time has used the phrase...and that is why they all deserve the special hell they will receive. You see good teams do not "take what the defense gives them," no they dictate to the defense what they are going to do.

Do you think that teams haven't been double and triple covering Randy Moss for years now? That they didn't do the same for Jerry Rice and Herman Moore and Andre Rison and Andre Johnson and Marvin Harrison and every other great receiver throughout time?

So either Megatron isn't really as good as he's been advertised or the Scott Linehan is a complete moron.

You do not let the other team take away what you do best. You do not let your opponent dictate what you can and can't do -- that is the excuse of losers and nobodies. Look for Megatron to get 10 catches this week or for a pack of wild timberwolves to feast on the corpse of Linehan before he can get back on the team plane Sunday evening.

I am now in the "process" of strangling myself...

OK, before I get into the absolute absurdity of "the process" of a catch, let me say a few things.

1. The offensive line played abysmally. The fact that Jahvid Best averaged a monumental 1.4 yards per carry on 14 carries has got to be a huge embarrassment to every member of the offensive line. I'm embarrassed to have watched it. If you take out his two touchdown runs, he was even worse. 12 attempts for 9 yards...a whopping 3/4 of a yard per run.

If the Lions can't run against a makeshift Chicago Defensive line who wasn't even putting eight guys in the box...it doesn't look good.

2. Jeff Backus should be going to jail for manslaughter. Yeah, maybe he played well against Peppers the rest of the day, but on the one single most important play of the day, he let the Franchize get creamed. I'm surprised they didn't have to clean Stafford up off the field with a mop.

3. Aaron Berry looked like he might actually be a decent corner...so after his interception...he got hurt. Who knows if we'll ever see him again.

4. Scott Linehan's offense made the wishbone look ultra-radical. Never once, even when Stafford was still standing, did the Lions test the Bears defense deep. I take that back...they did try once in the first half on a Megatron target that managed to come down six inches out of bounds...perhaps another foreboding moment in the game.

5. At approximately 2:18 PM EST the Detroit Lions hit what I believe to be the high point of this entire season. They were up 14-3 on the Bears with under two minutes left in the half. They were causing turnovers, applying pressure, covering up for a weak secondary and they had the Bears pinned deep in their own territory. Everything was looking up.

And then the Honolulu Blue Flash struck.

Matt Forte took a screen pass 89 yards for a touchdown. The Lions get the ball back and Stafford gets disemboweled, fumbling the ball...and so in the space of a minute, that 14-3 lead is a 14-13 lead and everyone who has ever seen a snap of Lions football over the last 50 years knows that the Lions are doomed.

6. As you watched the rest of the game, as the defense seemed to come up with play after play to keep the Lions in the game, if you didn't know with all your heart that it was just a matter of time before the Lions managed to gift the game back to the Bears, then you are a fool. "Hope" is outlawed in Lions-ville.

7. Put a fork in this season if Stafford misses much more than three games. In fact, one has to start wondering if this high priced Messiah isn't actually an injury prone pariah. He has managed to play in only eleven games in a season and one game and he's gotten three different major injuries -- not to mention hurting a shoulder he has already hurt once in college.

8. If Kevin Kolb can't play next week for Philadelphia against the Lions next week...the Lions are dead. Does anybody remember what Dennis Dixon did against the Leo's in the preseason? Mike Vick is 10 times what Dennis Dixon is.

9. The goal line stance in the fourth quarter against the Bears was very, very impressive. Impressive in that Lovie Smith had absolutely no respect for Lions defense.

10. It's gotten to the point where it doesn't matter what happens in the game, you just have to realize that the NFL, the officials and apparently God himself will not allow the Lions to win. Whenever there is a replay review, I am pleasantly shocked and awed if the ruling ever goes for the Lions. It doesn't matter what the replays show, facts have nothing to do with anything that has anything to do with the Lions.

If there is a flag on the field, in my mind, it is already against the Lions. It doesn't seem like penalties happen against the other team. If the Lions get a great play, I am now conditioned to look for the holding call. This is Lions football.

Megatron caught the ball, had both feet down, had his butt down and then turned to get up, putting the ball down -- and that's an incompletion? Apparently, he should still be sitting on his but with one hand on the ball, because as soon as he lets go of that ball --especially when it means a Lions win--it will be an incompletion.

Has anybody ever heard of "completing the process?" Pure insanity.

11. If the Lions really wanted to win, they wouldn't have missed so many damn tackles in the first drive, not allowed the screen pass, blocked...anybody, and not had so many stupid penalties. The game should have never gotten to this point. At one point they had a 4-1 turnover advantage! That shouldn't be a 14-3 lead, that should be 21 or 28 point lead.

3rd and 3 or less

The average run in the NFL goes for 4 yards. Why teams think it is "tricky" or "smart" to try and pass in this situation is actually crazy to me now. I've been banging this drum for a long time now. I will say this, because you can't do anything 100% of the time, all teams should run in this situation 80-90% of the time.

The Lions faced the critical 3rd and 3 or less only twice. Incredibly, the Leos ran twice, converting only once. This season, 1 of 2 rushing.

Wouldn't it be great if the Lions had Cheerleaders?

Just a little something to help my readers as we continue to suffer under the tyranny of the Ford's and their incomprehensible aversion to professional dance teams.

Currently only six of the NFL's 32 franchises have chosen to go without the all important cheer brigades--Cleveland, Pittsburgh, Green Bay, Detroit, Chicago, and the New York Giants.

Tales from the Inept is coming...

I will also be keeping track of the most important statistic of the season. Wins and Losses. But no, I'm not keeping track of who's winning, because as everybody knows wins aren't in the Lions future. No, I'll keep track of the race to #1, the #1 pick.

Don't get too excited...

Impressions from the Lions 25-20 victory over the Denver Broncos.

On HBO's series, Hard Knocks: Training camp with the New York Jets, the Jets' first preseason game was covered. During the game, the Sanchize threw an interception which was returned for a touchdown. After the play, Sanchez came over to the sideline and stood by wily old veteran QB Mark Brunell.

"That's a hell of a way to start the season," the second year QB grumbled.

"Don't worry, this isn't the season," Brunell answered.

And truer words were never spoken--even though I paraphrased the whole thing.

This is the preseason, the players that are too injured to play in preseason games are most likely not too injured to play when the games finally mean something. Most coaches are doing everything in their power to show less than nothing of the types of offenses and defenses they will be running once the first kickoffs boom into the air.

Being who I am, which is probably a crazy person, I want to point out two things about the victory Saturday night.

1. On November 4th, 2007, the Detroit Lions thoroughly dominated the Denver Broncos in a 44-7 victory, which improved the team record to 6-2...the Lions have only won three games since. That's 3-39 since the Leos last beat the Broncos. What does that mean? I don't have a clue.
2. In 2008, the Lions looked great in the preseason, going 4-0 with a fast defense and a rising star in Megatron...That's right, that was the 0-16 season.

The preseason is pretty much less than meaningless.

But what did it all mean?

Most of the starters for both Detroit and Denver played the entire first half. The Lion defensive line was very impressive in the first quarter...but looked to get tired and slowed down in the second quarter. This is a little scary and I'm not sure if it can be attributed to playing at Mile High, poor conditioning or Denver adjustments.

I'm pretty sure I saw The Kong get held on a half dozen plays with pretty much no calls. We better get used to it.

I don't want to jinx anything, but Jahvid Best is a stud. The kid has jets in his feet and an array of moves to get him out into the open field. Depending on which story you read, Best finished with eight rushes for either 49 or 50 yards. That's 6.25 yards per carry...(again, not to jinx anyone) but I can only think of one other guy in my lifetime that had an average yards per carry that high.

Randy Phillips still looks very solid in the secondary, but may get beat out by veteran C.C. Brown--due to experience alone, because he certainly hasn't outplayed the undrafted free agent.

Steve Hauschka, the Lions substitute kicker while Jason Hanson recovers from minor knee surgery, looks like a keeper. Not sure how much of it had to do with the extremely light air of Mile High, but he didn't miss a field goal and every one of his kickoffs resulted in touchbacks. That's the kind of stuff Jason used to do...ten years ago.

DeAndre Levy, Brandon Pettigrew and Kevin Smith all returned from injuries and played.

The bad news...

Kevin Smith played and he still looks slow. The idea of there being a running back competition in Detroit is a farce. It looks like Best will be the feature back, most likely spelled by Maurice Morris or Aaron Brown. If Smith makes the team, it will most likely be on sentiment alone.

The rest of the secondary still looks awful. Eric King couldn't cover a receiver with a blanket. That guy looked awful. And Chris Houston, our supposed #1 CB, didn't look a whole lot better. The defensive line will have to apply as much pressure as possible for the whole game, with no let downs, because if they ever take their foots off the throttle, the secondary will be eaten alive.

Conclusion...

The Lions are no longer an 0-16 team. They're not even a 2-14 team. But I don't think they're an 8-8 team either. They have some very nice pieces...in fact, the collection on offense may just rival the early '90 Barry teams. Maybe Best is no Barry, but Rodney Peete/Andre Ware/Erik Kramer were no Matt Stafford. David Sloan was no Pettigrew or Scheffler. And, as much as I loved him, Herman Moore was never anything like Megatron.

Too bad the Lions don't have anybody comparable with Bennie Blades, William White, or Ray Crockett.

And the Broncos have some fine cheerleaders, even though the broadcast in Detroit refused to show them.

What to watch for on Saturday night

The Leos open their preseason schedule Saturday night at Heinz Field in Pittsburgh, home of the NFL's favorite date rapist.

So what do we, as fans, have to look forward to? What should we be on the edge of our proverbial seats ready to get excited about?

Well, I'm already on record as saying that for the most part the preseason is a completely useless tool for gauging the season, but there are some players I'm very anxious to see play. Although many of them will not play for very long.

For instance, it'll be nice to see Matt Stafford throw a ball for the first time since last November. I'll especially like to see how this whole two tight end base set formation looks and is used. However, I am not at all interested in seeing Calvin Johnson play more than a few snaps--we know what we've got there.

I can't wait to see Jahvid Best bust a few runs and short passes for long gains or touchdowns...that'd be very encouraging.

On defense, I am very anxious to see if The Kong can play anywhere near as good as advertised. If he does, I fully expect him to pull out one of the goal posts and beat to death anybody waving a terrible towel.

In fact, I'm pretty sure that 80% of what I'm interested in with this team Saturday is on the defensive side of the ball. I want to see the whole newly designed D-line play a few series and see how they do against the Steelers and their powerful run game.

I can't wait to see Zach Follet and see if he can actually play. How is Chris Houston going to do against Hines Ward? Dre Bly? Will Amari Spievey see the field? Is Jonathon Wade any good at all?

How is Caleb Campbell, the 7th round pick out of Army drafted two years ago on a whim by Rod Marinelli, going to do after two years away?

One of the players I am most interested in seeing, because every player that has lined up next to Delmas at safety has been worse than atrocious, is undrafted free agent Randy Phillips out of the University of Miami. Two years ago many thought he would be a first round draft pick, but after two years of injuries, this may be his best shot at making a team in the NFL. Damn, I hope he's good.

One thing I am not hopeful of seeing is cheerleaders. The Steelers are one of the six teams that are "too classy" to have professional dance teams. I guess that's ok for them, it gives Ben Roethlisberger fewer opportunities...