Items of note for Sunday and beyond

The Devil's Wang is getting way too much play...that doesn't sound right...

There are a bunch of conspiracy theories running around about Brett Farve, the Devil who wears #4, breaking his millenia long streak of games played because of tendinitis in his throwing elbow...or allegations that he sent pictures of his wang to Jennifer Sterger, who was under the employ of the Jets the same time the Devil was running that team into the ground.

Some believe that he'll end the streak "because of injury" just so the history books won't say that the streak ended because the NFL suspended him due to improper conduct.

Personally, I don't care. I certainly don't care about the Devil's wang, that's for sure. Sterger on the other hand is worthy of at least a second look...not about her part in the whole fiasco, just because she's pretty nice to look at.

My issue is that this story broke months ago. Even me, the low and struggling one made a half-assed comment about it over a month ago. If I knew about it then, why is it only a story after the Vikings play the Jets? A month into the season. That's the conspiracy, this should have been taken care of a long time ago.

No Franchize, No Megatron

Stafford and CJ are very, very likely not to play this Sunday, which puts a big kink in the possibility of the Lions ending their 23 game road losing streak and also climbing out of the NFC North Cellar for the first time in almost three years.

I don't care if they did run up the score...

I pretty much have auto-texted the phrase "the Lions have keep the pedal to the floor until at least 25 minutes after the game ends." The fact that the Lions were still trying to score late in the fourth quarter of a blowout victory does not bug me. Why? Because if there were a way to lose a 44-6 lead with five minutes left in the fourth quarter, the Lions would do it.

Karma says that it all will come back around on them, and it may have, as Megatron hurt his shoulder late in the game...at a time most say he probably should have been pulled. The Lions need wins and they need successes and they need to build every confidence they can.

Keep playing until the game is over. 'Nuff said.

The Lions adapting pretty well...need to adapt some more...

The Lions have dealt with injuries this entire season, from DeAndre Levy to Matt Stafford to Nate Burelson to Louis Delmas....and they have stayed in every game and played admirably. Now without Megatron they'll have to take it to another level.

I hope the Kansas Kid is up to this one too.

Lions march into the Devil's Den this Sunday

The shrill horn has sounded and the call echoes heavy in the air as the Lions regroup from another loss and prepare to march into the Devil's Den--Minnesota.

The ancient evil has hung around the Lions neck like a dead albatross for lo too many years.

And yet here they are again, readying themselves to do battle with the Devil that wears #4 for the umpteenth billionth time -- for time long forgotten.

Pay no attention to the fact that his horde of Demon Norseman are currently sporting a record no better than the Lions (0-2). It doesn't matter, this isn't a game about football anymore when the Lions face the Devil. No this is an epic battle for the very souls of every man that wears the Honolulu Blue.

There are only two possible outcomes this Sunday for anybody strapping on the Lions colors--Victory or Eternal Damnation.

And Eternal Damnation is nothing to scoff at. It's really, really bad news. Imagine your entire body being boiled away by scalding oil for all of eternity or worse yet, being forced to watch completely helpless as Sterling Sharpe runs away, completely uncovered for the go ahead touchdown pass -- again and again until your brain explodes...

Brett Favre has owned the Lions his entire career. This may be his last season (Ha! I've heard that horrible lie before.) Will the Lions allow him to own them forever?

It is time for the Mighty Kong to slay that venomous beast. To spear him and chew out his heart.

End the nightmare!

Where is Megatron?

The object of every defensive coordinator is to identify the opponents best weapon and then take that weapon away from them. This is what has happened to Calvin Johnson.

Opponents are double and tripling Calvin Johnson all the time. So the Lions do the age old sin...it makes me cringe every time I hear the phrase...they are "taking what the defense gives them."

Every Lions coach throughout time has used the phrase...and that is why they all deserve the special hell they will receive. You see good teams do not "take what the defense gives them," no they dictate to the defense what they are going to do.

Do you think that teams haven't been double and triple covering Randy Moss for years now? That they didn't do the same for Jerry Rice and Herman Moore and Andre Rison and Andre Johnson and Marvin Harrison and every other great receiver throughout time?

So either Megatron isn't really as good as he's been advertised or the Scott Linehan is a complete moron.

You do not let the other team take away what you do best. You do not let your opponent dictate what you can and can't do -- that is the excuse of losers and nobodies. Look for Megatron to get 10 catches this week or for a pack of wild timberwolves to feast on the corpse of Linehan before he can get back on the team plane Sunday evening.

He's Baaaack....

The Omen IV: The Devil Rides Again

It's back. Officially now. The wrangler wearing humbug from Hattiesburgh has shown his maniacal face again at Vikings camp and the followers of the Honolulu Blue gasped with remorse.

Brett Favre is the devil. And he's back again, again, and again in the NFC North.

Some feeble minds held out hope that a slow healing ankle injury might keep the devil who wears #4 from returning to the NFL, but the media loving whore would not be denied another chance to have the world fawn over his every move for another long and painful NFL season.

What is most disgusting about #4's inevitable return will be the endless press coverage his announcement will get, followed by the hordes of idiots who will be quoted as saying "I just love the way he plays" or "Brett Favre is good for the game."

He makes me sick.

"I just love the way he plays?" So you love the way he believes that he is completely above the team? Only deigning the Vikings with his presence after the rigors and pains of training camp are over for the rest of his teammates? Or do you like his horrible decision making, including decisions that ended last season's playoff run and his tenure in Green Bay with mind-blowingly stupid and irresponsible interceptions?

"He's such a gunslinger." The devil is such a gambler...he just wings it and sees what happens...he makes throws other quarterbacks would never dream of making...

Give me a break. I wish a meteorite would scream out of the cosmos and obliterate him on the practice field at Eden Prairie this afternoon.

The Kong gets his wish

Ndamakong Suh was quoted as saying he'd love the chance to sack Favre. I only hope he brings along a wooden stake to stab him in the heart and watch him crumble to dust.

The Lions have never been able to beat Favre in any reincarnation. Here's hoping that the new and improved D-Line will bury him, breaking him into small pieces, which can then be covered in salt and holy water and set on fire.

Let The Kong save the world from this evil unshaven beast! And then a healing rain can once again fall upon the earth...

The lure of fantasy football...my trail of tears...

In 1996, a friend of mine, who I like to call "Mr. Rocket Scientist", was rather exuberant in insisting that I, a super football fan, simply had to try this fantasy football thing. He insisted that because we were both Lions fans, the Detroit Lions were ruining the game of football for us and that fantasy football provided a reason to get excited and watch other games besides the weekly Lions trouncing.

I believe that I should now refer to my friend no longer as "Mr. Rocket Scientist," but more correctly as "The Devil."

First of all, I'd like to make it clear that same stated friend has not played a season with yours truly in the last thirteen years...he's just left me to my own maniacal obsessions, while he has gone on to PhD's and world travel. He's like my genius crack dealing friend....

So now, here I am fifteen years later and still trying to stop this stupid obsession with rushing touchdowns and the next great "sleeper."

Fantasy football is degrading on many levels. Besides showing everyone that their belief that they know a little about football is completely false, it also is kind enough to tell you that you don't really have any friends.

Every year somebody asks me to start a league and then I have to start a long hard struggle to fill the league with enough players to make it viable. And then all of a sudden, nobody is interested in playing.

I can not tell you how many "Just join the league please" emails I've had to send. "Seriously dude, just join up and forget about it, I need to get the last slot filled..."

And god forbid you end up with an odd number of players...

Or CNNSI or Yahoo or whoever you're doing the free service through won't allow somebody into your league or you can't find the the League or three people who have apparently been in a drunken coma for the three weeks you've been recruiting show up on the day of the draft and want to get in. Three people...never four...Anything to get you back to an odd number.

And then there are all of the fantasy football sites that want to "fill you in" on the latest news and theories. How you have to draft a RB in the first round, how Peyton Manning is due to have a down year, this is the year Brett Favre finally gets hurt, running backs typically fall off when they hit the age of 30, Barry Sanders doesn't score enough touchdowns...It's a huge cacophony of noise and besides you know that your opinion is just as good as those talking bobbleheads, right?

This is how I once talked somebody into drafting the Arizona defense with the third overall pick one year.

So every year I say this is the year....this is the year I'm done with it.

Who wants to play?

The Legion of Doom

I think Matt Moore could be a sleeper this year...What round do you think I should draft Jahvid Best? I'm not sure...What are they saying on ESPN?

The Devil who wears #4's favorite cheerleader.

Week 11: The Devil beats down the Lions again

Brett Favre was back, again. He's beaten the Lions 27 times in his career--going on a million. The Lions are like the Washington Generals to his Harlem Globetrotters.

The Lions lost 27-10 to the 8-1, playoff bound, Vikings. There are a ton of questions after this game.

1. Why, when all week the stories were about how Kevin Smith doesn't have top end speed and can't break the long run, do the Lions sit Aaron Brown, the fastest RB, if not player, on the team? Where, as many people believe that the Lions shouldn't sign a Larry Johnson, because the team needs to see if Kevin Smith can be the guy, I think the Lions need to sit Kevin Smith in order to see if Aaron Brown can be the guy. He's a guy with 4.2 speed in the mold of a Brian Westbrook. The only question is if he can take the beating of an every down back.

2. Who on their team did the Lions think was better than Cliff Avril? Schwartz sat one of the team sack leaders to play exactly who?

3. Why do the Lions continue to punt in opposing territory when they're losing? I've said this a hundred times, the Lions are so bad, they have to play with the throttle down until at least 25 minutes after the final whistle. 4th and 1 on the Minnesota 48 down 17-10 with 4:54 left in the third. Punt. Way to challenge your team to win the game, Schwartz. How much of a boost would it have given the Lions if they'd handed off to Kevin Smith and picked up that yard? Perhaps they could have finished the drive, tying the game up 17-17 going into the fourth? Even if they didn't get it, they'd have only given up 25 yards of field position, which the Vikings got back anyway, getting to the 38 yard line before having to punt...which put Detroit back at it's own 19 yard line to start the next drive. Quit wimping out! Go for it on 4th down in opposing territory, what do you have to lose? You're 1-8 because you don't do anything like that!

4. Why do the Lions come out of half time every week looking for a way to blow the game? This week, they fumbled the opening kickoff of the second half. Instead of only being down 10-3, with the ball and ready to prove something...instead, they're down 17-3 less than a minute into the third. Typical Lions.

5. How bad was Delmas' toothache that he couldn't play the game? He dressed for it. He ran up and down the sidelines cheering...hasn't anybody in the Lions training staff ever heard of Novocaine?

6. Who's going to play in the secondary against Cleveland? I counted four injuries to players in the Lions secondary. Hopefully, Delmas will have his root canal before the game and be able to play this week.

7. Where did this Philip Buchanon come from? The guy made plays all day, whereas the rest of the season, he could have been replaced with a cardboard stand-up and nobody would have ever known the difference.

8. Who was supposed to be covering Sydney Rice? And how did he manage to catch for 201 yards and not score?

9. Will this be the last time the Lions have to play the Devil who wears #4? One can only hope, but if he manages to win the Super Bowl this year with the Vikes, he'll probably be around for another 5 years.

10. So what are the Vikes DL going to be called now? The Fox broadcast team put out a call for nick names for the Vikings front line, reminiscent of the "Purple People Eaters." An overly blatant show of partiality to say the least. But my favorite one I saw, "The Four Norseman."

I wish the Lions had cheerleaders.

I put up this picture, not because I'm a pedophile, but it is interesting that Packers are quietly delving into the possibility of cheerleaders. Currently only six of the NFL's 32 franchises have chosen to go without the all important cheer brigades--Cleveland, Pittsburgh, Green Bay, Detroit, Chicago, and the New York Giants. And now the Packers may be dabbling. The Lions used to do this with high school cheerleaders, I don't recall seeing them doing it for a long time.

Personally, I think it's a pretty cheapskate way of trying to appease your fans, without appeasing them at the same time.

3rd and 3 or less

As much of a reason as any that the Leo's tanked another game, the team only managed a single 3rd and 3 or less. Another empty victory, they managed to convert on a short pass to Calvin Johnson.

Year totals, the Leo's are 8 of 10 rushing, and 6 of 13 passing. That's an 80% success rate rushing, versus only 46% passing.

The competition for #1

Now that there is no chance for any team to take away the title as "worst franchise in NFL history" by adding their name to the list of "only team in NFL history to go winless," and now that the Lions, once again, hold the longest losing streak in the league, the race is on to see who will be anchored with the 2010 NFL #1 pick in the draft. And Detroit is, once again, in the thick of the race.

The other competitors in this race?

The Tampa Bay Buccanneers (1-8) managed to eek out another loss against the Miami Dolphins, 25-23. Let me take a second out here to say one thing, the Dolphins get the Wildcat and awesomely hot cheerleaders too? How is that fair?

The St. Louis Rams (1-8) gave the undefeated Saints all that they could handle before losing, 28-23. The Rams have played very well since having ESPN Page 2 suggest that they are the "New Lions."

The Cleveland Browns (1-7) play the Baltimore Ravens tonight, another very likely loss, but the Browns really have something going for them in their attempts to avoid the anchor contract of the #1 pick--they play the Lions next week.

Next week: Can we make either one of the Brown's disastrous QB's look like a Hall of Fame'r? I'm sure they'll try.